Tag Archives: taxes

7 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Me This November

Or, 7 Reasons Why We Ought To Just Bypass This Whole Democracy Rigamarole & Make Me Queen of America

1. I will improve the education system by requiring courses in personal finance, practical life skills, and apprenticeships.

Look, I’m a liberal arts proponent. I’ll save my more detailed arguments for another post, but in a totally simplistic summation, liberal arts courses educate the soul as well as the brain. Which is great, right? Yay souls! However, as you’ve no doubt spotted, we also have bodies which must be fed and clothed and sheltered. This means that upon adulthood we are obliged to enter the workplace, establish financial stability, and manage a household. Many of us, alas, struggle mightily to acquire the essential skills for this independent life (I’m recalling the house I shared with four dudes right after college—sweet mother!) and that’s  just dumb. Being a grown-up is something we all have to be good at, or our lives suck, and that suckitude seeps into other people’s lives, so WHY aren’t we teaching students this stuff before it’s too late? Thus, I will decree that high schools require classes in budgeting & banking, home maintenance & domestic tasks, and basic car repair; additionally, colleges must facilitate at least one year of practicums or internships for each student as a degree requirement, regardless of major. After a few years, America will be peopled with competent non-idiots who can cook a healthy meal, write an interoffice memo, change a flat tire, treat that stubborn stain on the living room carpet, and contribute to a 403b like CHAMPS.

This is how I remember that house full of boys. Possibly a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Photo from here.

2. I will legalize pot, tax and regulate it, stop putting petty criminals in jail, give the economy a boost, and use the resulting extra moolah to add bike lanes to all major roads and highways.

See what I did there? I solved, like, a mofobillion problems in one fell swoop. No more spending millions arresting and prosecuting people who grow, deal, or smoke pot. Fewer people in prison. More jobs as a result of a brand new industry. More tax revenue. Paper made from sustainable hemp instead of irreplaceable rain forests. More oxygen. Once our bike infrastructure was complete, there’d be more bike-riding, less dependence on foreign oil, better fitness, fewer carbon monoxide emissions. EVERYONE WINS. Except fools who ride bikes while high. They can pay giant traffic tickets to support my next initiative: spay & neuter all the stray animals!

3. I will legalize gay marriage. 

This one follows on the heels of the previous point. I don’t smoke pot, but I don’t see why the heck the government should tell me I can’t. As a legal adult I have the right to drink alcohol and use tobacco, so why don’t I have the right to use marijuana too? Why does the government get to pick and choose my freedoms here? It’s illogical and annoyingly paternalistic. In the same way, I’m not gay, but you can bet your sweet aspercreme I don’t want the government telling us who we can and cannot marry. I mean, are we seriously starting down that road? In my mind, the purpose of a government’s existence is to protect the rights, health, and safety of its citizens and provide support for infrastructure, education, and economy. Private, personal choices like choosing a life partner, deciding how many kids to have, what career to pursue, what beliefs to subscribe to, what clothes to wear—those should never be under the purview of the government. Ever. When such things do become regulated we enter freaky 1984 territory. Have you read that book? Not to spoil anything, but it ends with rats chewing off people’s faces. Just FYI.

Haven’t read this? You probably should.

4. I will put all (government-employed) teachers, police, fire and rescue workers, librarians, and politicians on the same salary—starting at $60K a year for entry level. 

Actually we’ll probably need some sort of sliding scale that takes cost of living into account. I doubt even 60 thousand cuts it in some places in California. But anyway, everyone gets what is essentially the same rate of pay with incremental raises to keep up with inflation and merit raises if warranted by good performance. First of all, people in these occupations deserve a decent wage. Secondly, politicians shouldn’t be making any more than anyone else in civil service. And maybe, just maybe, this equalization would discourage typical politician types and actually attract real people to elected positions—people from diverse backgrounds and experience with an honest interest in improving government. Seriously, is anyone else completely sick to death of old rich dudes with law & business degrees? Can we, like, get some more ladies up in here? Also, how about some architects and preschool teachers and car mechanics and programmers and chefs and air traffic controllers and nurses? Probably a few farmers would be good too, plus it never hurts to have a librarian around.

5. I will establish a national holiday dedicated to making, decorating, and eating cupcakes.

This one speaks for itself.

cupcakes

I personally will celebrate National Cupcakeapalooza Day by making and devouring these pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. Click the picture for my recipe 🙂

6. I will pass a law giving fathers paid paternity time.

Why is it that dudes get the total shaft when it comes to having a baby? Um…I’m pretty sure they’re not getting any sleep those first weeks either. Plus it’s crucial for them to bond with their new spawn just like moms. I hate hate HATE that dads get no respect, like they’re somehow useless in the parenting process. That stereotype haunts fathers their whole lives and it starts the day their kid is born. Ok yes, moms have boobs full of milk. Right. I know. But I don’t understand how that translates into “Only Mom can care for baby, meanwhile lameass Dad over there is zero help at all so he might as well be at work.” I’m pretty sure there’s more to handling a new baby than breastfeeding. Also, marginalizing a father’s contribution to the family unit is stupid and sexist. Enough with that rubbish, America.

7. I will regulate health care even more. YES EVEN MORE!

Let me preface this by saying that I know jack about health care policy. Seriously, I just don’t even know. I’m shamefully uninformed. That being said, here’s how I’d do it. Everyone gets health care. Every single ever-loving soul in this whole big country, no matter where they fall on anyone’s “deserving————>undeserving” spectrum. Healthcare companies could remain private, there could still be competition between service providers to keep costs low, everyone could have the opportunity to use the provider of their preference, blah blah blah. Premiums would be deducted from pay checks like a federal tax. Those between jobs could still get affordable coverage by paying providers directly. Retirees or people receiving unemployment/disability would be covered by Medicare or Medicaid-like programs. Kids and non-working spouses would have policies under the working household member. And that’s that. Everyone’s covered. Everyone gets the best treatment available. And this Queen of America sleeps a little easier in her bed at night.

This is how I imagine myself as queen.

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5 Reasons Why I’m Turning Into a Rage Monster

Or 5 Reasons Why the Trials of This World Are Almost Too Much for My Sensitive Soul

1. I can’t control my water temperature.

For whatever reason (the gods like to laugh at mere mortals?), my shower faucet is totally wack. I have to start out at extreme melt-your-flesh hot just to get the water heater up and going. Then I spend ten minutes trying to find a bearable temperature, but that’s almost impossible because here’s what happens when I turn the handle toward cool:

  • Nothing
  • It gets hotter
  • Deceptive unresponsiveness—it stays hot until I give up and get in, at which point it suddenly becomes ice water and the whole process starts over again.

One day soon my neighbors are going to see a betowelled, crazy-eyed lunatic with scald marks and sudsy hair running down the street shrieking curses at the heavens.

2. I keep seeing girls wearing tights as though they are pants.

I’m…I’m just aghast. Dear every female college student: I guess you think that tights are no different from normal cloth leggings, but you have lost your mind. Tights are purchased in the underwear section of the store, which should give you your first clue. Under. They go under clothes. Also, have you ever considered that tights are actually not made out of real fabric? Meaning that they are somewhat translucent. Meaning that they don’t hide that whole situation you got going on there, which would and should be hidden by pants. And with the way they cling to your skin, you might as well just paint your bottom half and call it a day. Have you no pity? Please stop inflicting your horrifying pseudo-nudity on the general populace. Seriously, our nerves are shot.

Dear God...

I will never be able to unsee that.

3. Angry Birds Space is really hard.

I’m not some schlub, ok? I do not consider the game beaten until I get three stars on every level including secret eggsteroid ones (not to mention 100% for Space Eagle attacks). Which means that my blood pressure rises with each failed attempt to launch a bird with the exact velocity on the exact trajectory needed to kill the most pigs and garner the most possible points. Sometimes the sound of those smug pigs honking and snorting fills me with such profound fury that I want to hurl my iPad through the window and then stomp on the remaining shards. Instead I quietly pull out my hair and grind my teeth and think evil thoughts about the game’s creators, who seem bent on hastening me to an early grave.

4. Our dryer has a poorly placed lint trap.

Whoever designed this is 1) an idiot and 2) a dirty slob since clearly they don’t do enough laundry to know that putting a big pile of lint right on the dryer opening is dumb. It doesn’t matter how rabidly I clean this thing—there are always bits of disgusting filth clinging to it. That’s just the nature of lint traps. Usually that’s ok, since most lint traps are sensibly located away from high-clothes-traffic regions. But not this one, oh no. This one is conveniently placed in the exact area where clothes are most likely to come into contact. If I don’t want lint bits on the clothes that were JUST WASHED, then I have to gingerly load/unload items one by one, making sure they don’t trail over the trap in the process. And whenever I wash my giant (white) duvet cover, it’s impossible to get it in or out of the dryer without it dragging right across all that built-up grime. Thank you, useless dolt of a dryer designer, for contributing to my descent into OCD madness. I think I hate you even more than the people who are responsible for those awful kinds of restroom stalls where the door opens inward and you have to practically climb on the toilet to shut it (though they’re a close second).

I have feelings of actual violence toward the person or persons responsible for this outrage.

5. I owe Alabama state taxes.

This may or may not be fair—I’m not sure since tax codes are about as clear to me as astrophysics. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am gnashing my teeth right now. Paying (even more) money to the government sucks harder than…than…being married to Newt Gingrich. ZING! No actually, that’s probably not true at all. Anyway, it sucks. And on top of that, I can’t even e-file! I have to actually print and mail my return. And my printer just ran out of ink. Y’all, this mess is on my last nerve.

Brrrr. Makes the flesh creep.

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