Or, 4 Reasons Why the Unnamed Persons and Organizations Who Haven’t Hired Me Heretofore Should Burn With Regret (Burn, I Say!)
1. I’m smart.
Look, I’m just going to say it. I’m really intelligent. Probably more intelligent than the other people you’ve been interviewing. I know there’s no way to say something like that in an interview (or even a self-serving blog post) without sounding like a disgusting prig, but it’s true. I perform extremely well at almost everything* I put my mind to and I’ve always been that way. I think fast, I learn fast, and my ideas are generally awesome. Of course, more-than-average brain power also comes with some baggage, like crippling perfectionism, controlling tendencies, and anal work routines. But I can usually harness those powers for good and not for evil, so don’t even worry about it.
*I do not perform well at the following: athletic activities, card games requiring patient strategy, reading War and Peace, and dressing myself fashionably.
2. I care about my work.
A lot of people say they have a good work ethic, but those people are lying. I have more than a good work ethic. I have an obsess-about-ways-to-improve-every-single-thing-to-the-point-of-having-intense-stress-dreams-about-work ethic. I’m not even kidding. I will lie awake in the dark wondering how I can do a better job, and then I’ll dream about doing a better job, and then I’ll come to the office and knock it out of the park. This is another thing you can’t say in an interview because people think you’re a freak and label you one of those annoying workaholic types. But you can point that finger somewhere else, ok muchacho? Because I care this much about everything. I want to improve my entire life, all the time, forever. If I’m not lying there in the dark thinking about how to be a better worker, I’m thinking of ways to be a better spouse, a better Jeopardy player, a better home decorator, a better animal rescuer, a better booknerd, a better cook, a better organizer, and a better freaking human being.
3. I’m drama-free.
As mentioned, I’m obsessive and perfectionist. I don’t hold with any workplace tomfoolery that hinders my productivity, so I never create drama and do my damnedest not to get drawn into other people’s. Plus I possess amazing (and hard-earned) powers of tact and diplomacy–the soothing word here, the subtle subject change there, etc. Office drama getting YOU down? Hire me. I’ll work my zen on your troubled domain and soon we’ll all be sitting round the campfire singing Kumbayah.
4. I bring these to office potlucks.
I rest my case.