Tag Archives: crankiness

3 Reasons Why I Am a Baby

Or, 3 Reasons Why I’m Thinking I Won’t Cope Well With the Physical Challenges of Pregnancy (If and When That Time Arrives)

1. Hunger makes me cranky.

I am one of those people whose body reacts with ridiculous histrionics to any sort of depletion. One time I was hiking out of the Grand Canyon with some friends when I suffered a sudden onset of low blood pressure and dehydration. Did I just feel crappier than normal but otherwise keep on trucking, perhaps a bit more slowly? No. I fainted all the way up that accursed trail and had to be half-dragged to the top. Embarrassing. And really annoying for my poor friends. Sorry, guys. The point is, my body is sensitive. I don’t just get hungry—I get the shakes. My limbs feel like noodles. My head throbs. My tummy burns to the point of nausea. We’re talking full-scale catastrophe. And of course, in this weakened state, my irritation at silly things skyrockets. head asplodes

2. Physical discomfort makes me pouty.

You know those times when you remember your tongue and you spend a few minutes feeling uneasily aware of that big weird thing in your mouth before you can finally forget about it (you’re welcome!)? I’m that way about everything. If there’s sweat rolling down my skin, I feel every maddening drop. I feel that little wisp of hair just barely brushing my left eyeball. I feel the awkward arrangement of my legs in a chair too tall for me and the fact that there’s nowhere to rest my arms. I notice the constriction of my clothing and the slightly-too-tight sandal strap. I’m sitting here driving myself nuts over the patches of my skin that feel dry and stiff (face, lips, hands, feet). Unless these things are immediately remedied (::pauses to apply lotion::), I am too distracted to accomplish anything. But, as happens more often than not, if I’m in a situation where I can’t address the annoyance right away, I grow convinced that the universe is deliberately persecuting me.


Upon developing a hangnail and having no immediate access to nail clippers.

3. Pain makes me want to cry and kick my feet.

The thing I hate the very most about pain is my inability to control it. In fact, the pain begins to control me—it limits my mobility, my motivation, my productivity. I become impatient at these limitations and frustrated at my helplessness, which translates into a puerile impulse to break everything in sight. Yesterday I scattered scrambled egg bits all over the kitchen because I couldn’t lift the frying pan the way I wanted to because my neck is all seized up, so I threw the eggy spatula into the sink with no little petulance. Take THAT, stupid neck.

Highly Sensitive Person

If you identify with any of the preceding statements and wonder if you’re teetering on the edge of insanity, I recommend 1) having a hot bath and calming the heck down and 2) reading this book. You’ll be glad you did.

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5 Reasons Why I’m Turning Into a Rage Monster

Or 5 Reasons Why the Trials of This World Are Almost Too Much for My Sensitive Soul

1. I can’t control my water temperature.

For whatever reason (the gods like to laugh at mere mortals?), my shower faucet is totally wack. I have to start out at extreme melt-your-flesh hot just to get the water heater up and going. Then I spend ten minutes trying to find a bearable temperature, but that’s almost impossible because here’s what happens when I turn the handle toward cool:

  • Nothing
  • It gets hotter
  • Deceptive unresponsiveness—it stays hot until I give up and get in, at which point it suddenly becomes ice water and the whole process starts over again.

One day soon my neighbors are going to see a betowelled, crazy-eyed lunatic with scald marks and sudsy hair running down the street shrieking curses at the heavens.

2. I keep seeing girls wearing tights as though they are pants.

I’m…I’m just aghast. Dear every female college student: I guess you think that tights are no different from normal cloth leggings, but you have lost your mind. Tights are purchased in the underwear section of the store, which should give you your first clue. Under. They go under clothes. Also, have you ever considered that tights are actually not made out of real fabric? Meaning that they are somewhat translucent. Meaning that they don’t hide that whole situation you got going on there, which would and should be hidden by pants. And with the way they cling to your skin, you might as well just paint your bottom half and call it a day. Have you no pity? Please stop inflicting your horrifying pseudo-nudity on the general populace. Seriously, our nerves are shot.

Dear God...

I will never be able to unsee that.

3. Angry Birds Space is really hard.

I’m not some schlub, ok? I do not consider the game beaten until I get three stars on every level including secret eggsteroid ones (not to mention 100% for Space Eagle attacks). Which means that my blood pressure rises with each failed attempt to launch a bird with the exact velocity on the exact trajectory needed to kill the most pigs and garner the most possible points. Sometimes the sound of those smug pigs honking and snorting fills me with such profound fury that I want to hurl my iPad through the window and then stomp on the remaining shards. Instead I quietly pull out my hair and grind my teeth and think evil thoughts about the game’s creators, who seem bent on hastening me to an early grave.

4. Our dryer has a poorly placed lint trap.

Whoever designed this is 1) an idiot and 2) a dirty slob since clearly they don’t do enough laundry to know that putting a big pile of lint right on the dryer opening is dumb. It doesn’t matter how rabidly I clean this thing—there are always bits of disgusting filth clinging to it. That’s just the nature of lint traps. Usually that’s ok, since most lint traps are sensibly located away from high-clothes-traffic regions. But not this one, oh no. This one is conveniently placed in the exact area where clothes are most likely to come into contact. If I don’t want lint bits on the clothes that were JUST WASHED, then I have to gingerly load/unload items one by one, making sure they don’t trail over the trap in the process. And whenever I wash my giant (white) duvet cover, it’s impossible to get it in or out of the dryer without it dragging right across all that built-up grime. Thank you, useless dolt of a dryer designer, for contributing to my descent into OCD madness. I think I hate you even more than the people who are responsible for those awful kinds of restroom stalls where the door opens inward and you have to practically climb on the toilet to shut it (though they’re a close second).

I have feelings of actual violence toward the person or persons responsible for this outrage.

5. I owe Alabama state taxes.

This may or may not be fair—I’m not sure since tax codes are about as clear to me as astrophysics. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am gnashing my teeth right now. Paying (even more) money to the government sucks harder than…than…being married to Newt Gingrich. ZING! No actually, that’s probably not true at all. Anyway, it sucks. And on top of that, I can’t even e-file! I have to actually print and mail my return. And my printer just ran out of ink. Y’all, this mess is on my last nerve.

Brrrr. Makes the flesh creep.

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3 Reasons Why You May Wish to Reevaluate Your Opinions

Or, 3 Reasons Why I Sometimes Wonder if Anyone Thinks About Anything, Ever

1. You believe that Twilight sends young girls a bad message.

The argument here is that Bella, the human girl who falls in love with an immortal vampire, has zero self-respect because she mopes for a year after Edward leaves her and doesn’t seem to have much of an identity outside their bizarrely all-consuming relationship. This supposedly teaches teenage girls that they are worthless without boyfriends. Pardon me while I snort derisively. (::Snort!::) I pray that our female adolescents aren’t as soft-headed as everyone seems to believe. Let’s start with the essential point: the Twilight series is a fantasy. That means it deals with things that would never happen in the normal world. Ever. In a million years. Therefore, normal rules do not apply. To claim that the way Bella handles her relationship with an immortal being of surpassing beauty and strength should have some kind of impact on the way girls handle their real-life relationships is stupid. The whole purpose of the series is to explore the drama of a human-vampire relationship, not teach girlies lessons about human-human relationships. Can you see what I’m driving at? Stop comparing apples and oranges. What if you fell in love with an immortal being of surpassing beauty, etc.? Would you behave the same way you might if you started dating some regular dude? You remember what regular dudes are like, right? I think we can all agree that if some otherworldly hottie popped up and offered an eternity of unconditional love, sexual bliss, and perpetual youth, we’d sign on the dotted line without any of this moral huffiness. We’d probably also lose all perspective and exhibit weird, obsessive behavior as a natural consequence. Interesting to think about, right? That’s why reading books like Twilight can be fun. But those of us with any amount of sense can separate the books we read from the world we live in. We can be interested in a story about Bella losing herself in a crazy vampire love affair and still understand that normal life relationships are nothing like that. And if your daughter/granddaughter/niece/student can’t make that distinction, then the problem is not Twilight. The problem is that your young female charge is dumb as a rock. Teach her some critical thinking skills, for God’s sake.

2. You believe that early cold and snow means global warming is a farce.

If I hear someone say “So much for global warming!” one more time when a chilly spell blows in, I think I will throw up on their shoes. I admit that the term “global warming” can be misleading, but if you do just a little reading (just a little, come on, I promise it won’t hurt), you will learn that global warming is just a synonym for “climate change.” In other words, because the ice caps are melting, the weather is becoming more and more erratic. Meaning we get weird cold spells and weird hot spells out of season. There may, for instance, be a giant snowstorm in late October when we don’t normally expect snowstorms. Get my drift? (::Snort!::) (I think I just reached my snort-per-post quota.)

3. You believe that Jesus is the reason for the season.

The celebration known today as Christmas was in effect long, long before the birth of Christ. In those times, people celebrated Yule or whatever equivalent came to hand–i.e., the coming of winter solstice and the looking forward to new life at springtime. It was, even then, a time of good cheer and feasting. When Christianity began to take root in the Western world, the Catholic Church felt it would be a good evangelical move to transform this pagan festival into something more godly. So the clergy began claiming that Jesus was born in December and everyone should celebrate his birth during the traditional winter festival (when really, most evidence drawn from the Bible indicates that Jesus was NOT born then). Thus, Christmas was created. Which means that, in light of the facts, Jesus is not the reason for the Christmas season. If you wish to be correct, you could say that ancient and mostly-forgotten-but-still-perpetuated pagan traditions are the reason for the season. But we may certainly celebrate the birth of Christ during this time of love and joy, according to our own choice of faith and custom, without getting our panties in a big snooty wad over the way others choose to express their holiday spirit. Remember–“the only person who can take your Christ out of your Christmas is you.” 

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