Category Archives: Rants

5 Reasons Why I’m Turning Into a Rage Monster

Or 5 Reasons Why the Trials of This World Are Almost Too Much for My Sensitive Soul

1. I can’t control my water temperature.

For whatever reason (the gods like to laugh at mere mortals?), my shower faucet is totally wack. I have to start out at extreme melt-your-flesh hot just to get the water heater up and going. Then I spend ten minutes trying to find a bearable temperature, but that’s almost impossible because here’s what happens when I turn the handle toward cool:

  • Nothing
  • It gets hotter
  • Deceptive unresponsiveness—it stays hot until I give up and get in, at which point it suddenly becomes ice water and the whole process starts over again.

One day soon my neighbors are going to see a betowelled, crazy-eyed lunatic with scald marks and sudsy hair running down the street shrieking curses at the heavens.

2. I keep seeing girls wearing tights as though they are pants.

I’m…I’m just aghast. Dear every female college student: I guess you think that tights are no different from normal cloth leggings, but you have lost your mind. Tights are purchased in the underwear section of the store, which should give you your first clue. Under. They go under clothes. Also, have you ever considered that tights are actually not made out of real fabric? Meaning that they are somewhat translucent. Meaning that they don’t hide that whole situation you got going on there, which would and should be hidden by pants. And with the way they cling to your skin, you might as well just paint your bottom half and call it a day. Have you no pity? Please stop inflicting your horrifying pseudo-nudity on the general populace. Seriously, our nerves are shot.

Dear God...

I will never be able to unsee that.

3. Angry Birds Space is really hard.

I’m not some schlub, ok? I do not consider the game beaten until I get three stars on every level including secret eggsteroid ones (not to mention 100% for Space Eagle attacks). Which means that my blood pressure rises with each failed attempt to launch a bird with the exact velocity on the exact trajectory needed to kill the most pigs and garner the most possible points. Sometimes the sound of those smug pigs honking and snorting fills me with such profound fury that I want to hurl my iPad through the window and then stomp on the remaining shards. Instead I quietly pull out my hair and grind my teeth and think evil thoughts about the game’s creators, who seem bent on hastening me to an early grave.

4. Our dryer has a poorly placed lint trap.

Whoever designed this is 1) an idiot and 2) a dirty slob since clearly they don’t do enough laundry to know that putting a big pile of lint right on the dryer opening is dumb. It doesn’t matter how rabidly I clean this thing—there are always bits of disgusting filth clinging to it. That’s just the nature of lint traps. Usually that’s ok, since most lint traps are sensibly located away from high-clothes-traffic regions. But not this one, oh no. This one is conveniently placed in the exact area where clothes are most likely to come into contact. If I don’t want lint bits on the clothes that were JUST WASHED, then I have to gingerly load/unload items one by one, making sure they don’t trail over the trap in the process. And whenever I wash my giant (white) duvet cover, it’s impossible to get it in or out of the dryer without it dragging right across all that built-up grime. Thank you, useless dolt of a dryer designer, for contributing to my descent into OCD madness. I think I hate you even more than the people who are responsible for those awful kinds of restroom stalls where the door opens inward and you have to practically climb on the toilet to shut it (though they’re a close second).

I have feelings of actual violence toward the person or persons responsible for this outrage.

5. I owe Alabama state taxes.

This may or may not be fair—I’m not sure since tax codes are about as clear to me as astrophysics. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am gnashing my teeth right now. Paying (even more) money to the government sucks harder than…than…being married to Newt Gingrich. ZING! No actually, that’s probably not true at all. Anyway, it sucks. And on top of that, I can’t even e-file! I have to actually print and mail my return. And my printer just ran out of ink. Y’all, this mess is on my last nerve.

Brrrr. Makes the flesh creep.

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3 Reasons Why This Commercial Deeply Annoys Me

Or, 3 Reasons Why This Ad and Thousands Like It Are Responsible for That Twitch In My Left Eye

1. It promotes the assumption that all women don’t like sports.

Look, girls just don’t get the same encouragement to watch and play sports when they’re young as boys do. It’s a handicap being barred from the Almighty Boys’ Club from birth—otherwise we might be more likely to ref games and rattle off stats and call plays or pitches like naturals. As it is, ladies generally have a lot of catching up to do. And, God help us, we have a lot of condescending shitheads around to snicker when we use the wrong term or ask a dumb question. But despite all this, some of us ACTUALLY ENJOY SPORTS. Ok? Is there any way we can, like, circulate that memo nationally, or something?

2. It promotes the assumption that all women only want to talk about their feelings.

Note the way she throws out those ominous phrases: “I feel like” and “I’m oversensitive” and “It’s just that you and I…”. Har har, ladies are so crazy, am I right, fellas? She hauled this poor dude to some fancy restaurant so they can endlessly discuss her emotions. What a drag. Women suck.

3. It promotes the assumption that all men don’t care about their relationships.

Sexism goes both ways, people. Ads try to pigeonhole women as the cleaners, the dieters, the shoppers, the sex kittens or the moms. But ads also try to cast men as the beer-drinkers, the truck-drivers, the idiots, the sports fans, and the jerks. Those assumptions are just as inaccurate as the stereotypes promoted about women—and they’re just as damaging.

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4 Reasons Why Someone Should Hire Me

Or, 4 Reasons Why the Unnamed Persons and Organizations Who Haven’t Hired Me Heretofore Should Burn With Regret (Burn, I Say!)

1. I’m smart.

Look, I’m just going to say it. I’m really intelligent. Probably more intelligent than the other people you’ve been interviewing. I know there’s no way to say something like that in an interview (or even a self-serving blog post) without sounding like a disgusting prig, but it’s true. I perform extremely well at almost everything* I put my mind to and I’ve always been that way. I think fast, I learn fast, and my ideas are generally awesome. Of course, more-than-average brain power also comes with some baggage, like crippling perfectionism, controlling tendencies, and anal work routines. But I can usually harness those powers for good and not for evil, so don’t even worry about it.

*I do not perform well at the following: athletic activities, card games requiring patient strategy, reading War and Peace, and dressing myself fashionably.

2. I care about my work. 

A lot of people say they have a good work ethic, but those people are lying. I have more than a good work ethic. I have an obsess-about-ways-to-improve-every-single-thing-to-the-point-of-having-intense-stress-dreams-about-work ethic. I’m not even kidding. I will lie awake in the dark wondering how I can do a better job, and then I’ll dream about doing a better job, and then I’ll come to the office and knock it out of the park. This is another thing you can’t say in an interview because people think you’re a freak and label you one of those annoying workaholic types. But you can point that finger somewhere else, ok muchacho? Because I care this much about everything. I want to improve my entire life, all the time, forever. If I’m not lying there in the dark thinking about how to be a better worker, I’m thinking of ways to be a better spouse, a better Jeopardy player, a better home decorator, a better animal rescuer, a better booknerd, a better cook, a better organizer, and a better freaking human being.

3. I’m drama-free.

As mentioned, I’m obsessive and perfectionist. I don’t hold with any workplace tomfoolery that hinders my productivity, so I never create drama and do my damnedest not to get drawn into other people’s. Plus I possess amazing (and hard-earned) powers of tact and diplomacy–the soothing word here, the subtle subject change there, etc. Office drama getting YOU down? Hire me. I’ll work my zen on your troubled domain and soon we’ll all be sitting round the campfire singing Kumbayah.

4. I bring these to office potlucks.

Pumpkin spice cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting.

Chocolate peanut-butter ganache cake.

I rest my case.

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