7 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Me This November

Or, 7 Reasons Why We Ought To Just Bypass This Whole Democracy Rigamarole & Make Me Queen of America

1. I will improve the education system by requiring courses in personal finance, practical life skills, and apprenticeships.

Look, I’m a liberal arts proponent. I’ll save my more detailed arguments for another post, but in a totally simplistic summation, liberal arts courses educate the soul as well as the brain. Which is great, right? Yay souls! However, as you’ve no doubt spotted, we also have bodies which must be fed and clothed and sheltered. This means that upon adulthood we are obliged to enter the workplace, establish financial stability, and manage a household. Many of us, alas, struggle mightily to acquire the essential skills for this independent life (I’m recalling the house I shared with four dudes right after college—sweet mother!) and that’s  just dumb. Being a grown-up is something we all have to be good at, or our lives suck, and that suckitude seeps into other people’s lives, so WHY aren’t we teaching students this stuff before it’s too late? Thus, I will decree that high schools require classes in budgeting & banking, home maintenance & domestic tasks, and basic car repair; additionally, colleges must facilitate at least one year of practicums or internships for each student as a degree requirement, regardless of major. After a few years, America will be peopled with competent non-idiots who can cook a healthy meal, write an interoffice memo, change a flat tire, treat that stubborn stain on the living room carpet, and contribute to a 403b like CHAMPS.

This is how I remember that house full of boys. Possibly a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Photo from here.

2. I will legalize pot, tax and regulate it, stop putting petty criminals in jail, give the economy a boost, and use the resulting extra moolah to add bike lanes to all major roads and highways.

See what I did there? I solved, like, a mofobillion problems in one fell swoop. No more spending millions arresting and prosecuting people who grow, deal, or smoke pot. Fewer people in prison. More jobs as a result of a brand new industry. More tax revenue. Paper made from sustainable hemp instead of irreplaceable rain forests. More oxygen. Once our bike infrastructure was complete, there’d be more bike-riding, less dependence on foreign oil, better fitness, fewer carbon monoxide emissions. EVERYONE WINS. Except fools who ride bikes while high. They can pay giant traffic tickets to support my next initiative: spay & neuter all the stray animals!

3. I will legalize gay marriage. 

This one follows on the heels of the previous point. I don’t smoke pot, but I don’t see why the heck the government should tell me I can’t. As a legal adult I have the right to drink alcohol and use tobacco, so why don’t I have the right to use marijuana too? Why does the government get to pick and choose my freedoms here? It’s illogical and annoyingly paternalistic. In the same way, I’m not gay, but you can bet your sweet aspercreme I don’t want the government telling us who we can and cannot marry. I mean, are we seriously starting down that road? In my mind, the purpose of a government’s existence is to protect the rights, health, and safety of its citizens and provide support for infrastructure, education, and economy. Private, personal choices like choosing a life partner, deciding how many kids to have, what career to pursue, what beliefs to subscribe to, what clothes to wear—those should never be under the purview of the government. Ever. When such things do become regulated we enter freaky 1984 territory. Have you read that book? Not to spoil anything, but it ends with rats chewing off people’s faces. Just FYI.

Haven’t read this? You probably should.

4. I will put all (government-employed) teachers, police, fire and rescue workers, librarians, and politicians on the same salary—starting at $60K a year for entry level. 

Actually we’ll probably need some sort of sliding scale that takes cost of living into account. I doubt even 60 thousand cuts it in some places in California. But anyway, everyone gets what is essentially the same rate of pay with incremental raises to keep up with inflation and merit raises if warranted by good performance. First of all, people in these occupations deserve a decent wage. Secondly, politicians shouldn’t be making any more than anyone else in civil service. And maybe, just maybe, this equalization would discourage typical politician types and actually attract real people to elected positions—people from diverse backgrounds and experience with an honest interest in improving government. Seriously, is anyone else completely sick to death of old rich dudes with law & business degrees? Can we, like, get some more ladies up in here? Also, how about some architects and preschool teachers and car mechanics and programmers and chefs and air traffic controllers and nurses? Probably a few farmers would be good too, plus it never hurts to have a librarian around.

5. I will establish a national holiday dedicated to making, decorating, and eating cupcakes.

This one speaks for itself.

cupcakes

I personally will celebrate National Cupcakeapalooza Day by making and devouring these pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. Click the picture for my recipe 🙂

6. I will pass a law giving fathers paid paternity time.

Why is it that dudes get the total shaft when it comes to having a baby? Um…I’m pretty sure they’re not getting any sleep those first weeks either. Plus it’s crucial for them to bond with their new spawn just like moms. I hate hate HATE that dads get no respect, like they’re somehow useless in the parenting process. That stereotype haunts fathers their whole lives and it starts the day their kid is born. Ok yes, moms have boobs full of milk. Right. I know. But I don’t understand how that translates into “Only Mom can care for baby, meanwhile lameass Dad over there is zero help at all so he might as well be at work.” I’m pretty sure there’s more to handling a new baby than breastfeeding. Also, marginalizing a father’s contribution to the family unit is stupid and sexist. Enough with that rubbish, America.

7. I will regulate health care even more. YES EVEN MORE!

Let me preface this by saying that I know jack about health care policy. Seriously, I just don’t even know. I’m shamefully uninformed. That being said, here’s how I’d do it. Everyone gets health care. Every single ever-loving soul in this whole big country, no matter where they fall on anyone’s “deserving————>undeserving” spectrum. Healthcare companies could remain private, there could still be competition between service providers to keep costs low, everyone could have the opportunity to use the provider of their preference, blah blah blah. Premiums would be deducted from pay checks like a federal tax. Those between jobs could still get affordable coverage by paying providers directly. Retirees or people receiving unemployment/disability would be covered by Medicare or Medicaid-like programs. Kids and non-working spouses would have policies under the working household member. And that’s that. Everyone’s covered. Everyone gets the best treatment available. And this Queen of America sleeps a little easier in her bed at night.

This is how I imagine myself as queen.

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11 thoughts on “7 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Me This November

  1. Tracy says:

    OMG! I am totally voting for you! Autumn for President!!! You just fixed nearly everything. Good job, Queenie. You deserve a cupcake.

  2. You are so amazing. Let’s get married.

  3. Yes! Paid paternity leave! I felt lost and alone when my hubby had to go back to work a week after our son was born, and we both would have loved for him to have more time at home.

  4. Hopson says:

    Autumn,

    I appreciate reading your blog posts. You’re a thinker and a good writer to boot, something I find lacking in the deluge that is the blogosphere.

    That being said, I think that your third point here drastically misses the mark. You say, “I don’t want the government telling us who we can and cannot marry.” Now let’s pause for a moment. Is that really the issue, or merely a red herring? At first blush it seems that advocates of “traditional marriage” are simply a bunch of killjoys, meddling into issues that are none of their concern. But an intellectually honest look at the issue yields a different conclusion. Are you truly arguing that the government should have NO say in who can and cannot marry? To use your question, “I mean, are we seriously starting down that road?” Should the government prohibit a man from developing a harem of Old Testament proportions? Should the government have any voice to deter marital incest? How about if I want to marry your cat, or my next-door-neighbor’s iguana? Is it not paternalistic to limit my marital freedoms? Surely you believe that the government should restrict marriages between adults and underage children. Or is that “illogical and annoyingly paternalistic” too?

    The reality is, unless you are arguing for complete marital autonomy—anyone can marry whoever/whatever they want, whenever they want, under whatever circumstances they want—your argument needs a serious reboot. You would be far better served to simply say, “I do believe the government must have some say in who can and cannot marry. I simply do not believe homosexuals should be in the excluded group.” Then you can further your argument by explaining why you believe homosexuals should be afforded the right to marry.

    And by the way, “National Cupcakeapalooza Day” is a fabulous idea!

    Your Cousin,

    Hopson

    • autumnlists says:

      Oh, Hopson. Your comment is so thorough and well-organized. Lol. Grad school FTW!

      See, (and this is why it’s dangerous to take my ranty blog posts as formal treatises), I’m not even aware of my own internal filters. In my mind, when I think about the gov’t defining marriage, I’m only considering unions between two consenting adults. My brain has already excluded all that other stuff, and I’m way too lazy to qualify that. It’s like when I say legalize pot–what I really mean is, allow controlled usage by legal-age adults. But I don’t ever take the time to qualify that either.

      So yes, some more specificity would be good there. Your statement is perfect. Although some of the stuff you mentioned falls under what I said about the government protecting the rights and safety of its citizens–that would include preventing minors from getting married or protecting people from marrying someone who might be hiding another marriage or something.

  5. This blog is presented well and tackles many of today’s problems, and the comment by a cousin proves to me that hese offsprings are true thinkers. Their words indicate to me that Issues seemingly simple are often not. When we examine the “ands, ifs and buts,” life becomes a tunnel of complexities. My Christian worldview whisks away much of the murk. Enough said!

  6. Hopson says:

    Autumn,

    Thanks for the clarification and your gracious words. I hate to be the blog police (which is why I hesitated for a week before I responded at all), but words do have consequences. I am grateful for a country where we can actually discuss ideas, even when we disagree. It’s important that we actually discuss the underlying issues, not construct straw-men, or lace conversations with name-calling and rhetoric. That’s not an accusation, just an observation on the direction where much of our public discourse is heading. Tolerance is the supreme virtue in our day, that is, unless you dissent from public opinion. In other words, we’re tolerant of everyone who agrees with us—a tolerance frighteningly more Orwellian than your aforementioned scenario.

    • autumnlists says:

      Well I’m all for discussion and happy to hear differing viewpoints. I disagree somewhat with your take on the tolerance issue, though. See, I think that many people perceive negative reactions to their opinions and believe that listeners object to the content, when really listeners object to the tone and delivery of the expression. For instance, to someone who isn’t your loving cousin and hasn’t known you all their lives, referring to yourself as the blog police could come off as slightly arrogant, since it conveys the sense that you feel especially justified in correcting an expression that you view as flawed. Your motivation seems corrupt at that point, and people will be likely to reject what you have to say if they detect that, whether or not you have legitimate points to make. You may intend absolutely none of this, but the WAY you say things carries as much weight as the words you’re saying. That’s true in formal discussions or intimate relationships.

      I’m never averse to hearing someone say “I disagree with you” when it’s clear that person’s motivation is just discussion and the promotion of a better understanding for everyone involved. But when it feels like the person’s motivation is correction, or citation, to use a police word, then it’s less welcome. The impetus behind the words–the agenda–matters a lot.

      So in sum, I think I’d suggest that expressing an opinion requires two equally important things: (1) a factually correct and logical statement and (2) a good attitude. (“Good attitude” is a bit vague, but I’d say it involves humility, acceptance, a genuine interest in learning, a lack of judgment, but also confidence in your own statements.) Of course no one manages to do both perfectly all the time, but hey. We can try.

  7. Hopson says:

    I agree with everything you said. I do apologize for coming off as arrogant, that was not at all my intention. Winsomeness was never my strong suit, although I realize it is highly important. Thanks for the helpful reminder!

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