Or, 5 Reasons Why Somewhere, At This Very Moment, the Postmaster General Is Shedding a Silent Tear
1. I live in Michigan.
And y’all live waaaaay down there. I’m not used to all this distance. It depresses me, going to the post office and hearing it could take a week for this stuff to get to your dang house. Pssssh. Forget that.
2. I can spend more cash on your present if I save on shipping.
It’s simple. You can get an annoyingly over-taped box on your doorstep three days late, or you can get some extra dollars’ worth of goodness in your inbox bright and early on whatever particular day we’re celebrating. Warning: This does mean you should probably expect a lot of gift cards (though the array of cool digital gift options is expanding every day). I try to be creative as possible within that framework, but if you think it’s boring, you’re just going to have to deal. Go spend your cash and quit whining, gah.
3. I can make thank-you notes less boring.
Isn’t it more fun to see me enjoying your gift rather than reading the same old conventional words on paper about how much I love it? I mean, I do love it, but it’s hard to convey my true enthusiasm in a notecard. Photos and videos are much more entertaining for both of us.
4. It’s better for the environment.
No cards, envelopes, boxes, and wrapping paper going to a landfill. No giant truck burning tons of fuel and sending exhaust fumes into the air. Is anyone else feeling increasingly guilty about their carbon footprint lately?
5. Get with the times, people.
Look, we visit on Skype, we share pictures on Facebook, we talk by email and text. I probably know more about your day-to-day existence now than I did five years ago. Half our lives are lived online—it’s time for our occasion-celebration rituals to join the digital world too. I’m a librarian, for heaven’s sake. I’m morally obliged to make you embrace technology.