6 Reasons Why I’m Glad To Be 30

Or, 6 Reasons Why I’m Not Bummed About Getting Older (Even Though I Had To Spend My Birthday Money On A New Car Battery Instead of Lotto Tickets Or a Tattoo)

1. I’m free to indulge my inner 70-year-old.

Sometimes I hear people lamenting the changes in their lives as they get older, like “I used to be able to function on 3 hours of sleep but not anymore!” and “All I really want to do these days is sit around the house.” And I’m thinking to myself, “Wait, you weren’t always that way?”

It’s like I emerged from the womb as a senior citizen. Throughout my life, I have been the cause of many sighs and head-shakings by my cooler, more energetic friends who despair at my lame and boring behavior. But now that I’m getting older I can finally stop feeling ashamed and just embrace my geriatric predilections.

I can eat toast for dinner and go to bed early on a Friday night. I can complain about my back spasm (as I type this, I’m lying flat on the couch with an ice pack). I can talk about real estate markets and retirement funds. I can do crosswords at home instead of going out, or bring my crochet bag to social functions. It’s all ok! I’m 30! No one expects me to be fun and interesting any more. Oh, the relief. The sweet, sweet relief.

Oh, also, I need to clip some coupons.

2. I feel somewhat ready to have kids.

I mean, I made it this far without killing or seriously maiming myself (unless you count the back spasm). I should be able to care for a child without endangering its welfare too terribly much, right? I am starting to have a little more confidence in my grown-up abilities, and less of a lurking feeling that I’m still a child myself. Which leads me to my next point…

3. I’m suddenly a legitimate adult. 

I think the world often overlooks or patronizes 20-somethings. Whether this is deliberate or unconscious, who can say—but in my various workplaces, I always felt people viewed me as the kid straight out of college and I often struggled to be taken seriously. Now I’ve finally established myself in a true career, I’m beginning to be an expert on some really official-sounding topics, and colleagues give more weight to my opinions and ideas.

Another example: I’m a very picky person. Like, about everything. Food, art, music, decorating, clothing, books, you name it. In my early adulthood, I got the feeling people believed I was just being difficult or resistant to trying new stuff. But now I’m a distinguished woman of the world. People don’t question your finicky behavior when you’re 30—they just respect your sophisticated palette and your unique personal style.

(click to enlarge)

4. I’m easily pleased.

When I got in to work the other day, there was a new office chair waiting on me with inflatable lumbar support and adjustable arm rests. I actually squealed a little bit. There may even have been some clapping of the hands. When you’re 30, it doesn’t take much to make you happy. For instance, when just one of the following occurs, the day is officially a win:

• campus dining hall serves decorated sugar cookies at lunch
• Piglet doesn’t poop on the floor next to the litterbox
• iTunes shuffle plays “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
• opportunity to quote Star Wars arises
• I don’t lose my sunglasses/keys/phone/wallet

What this means is, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t need my life to be constantly exciting or entertaining—I just need it to not suck. Which means that, in turn, those little out-of-the-ordinary things, like seeing a snoozing possum up close at a zoo event or discovering a new yummy restaurant, seem mindblowingly awesome.

Seriously, guys, that possum was surprisingly cute. All sleepy and furry, with his little hand-feet curled up. Annnnhhh.

5. My 20s were kind of…ghastly.

I know that sounds a bit harsh considering I met and married my husband in my 20s but he’d probably say the same. We had no money, no jobs or insurance half the time (thanks recession!), we were working and attending school the other half, we moved three times in four years, and we agonized constantly over possible career paths and decisions. Now I feel like we’ve finally settled into our chosen directions and made some progress. There’s less stress, less uncertainty, and more living LIKE A BOSS.

6. I may finally take exercise and flossing seriously.

The time just feels right.

4 Reasons Why You Need This Quiche In Your Life

Or, 4 Reasons Why Sunday Brunch Is the Best Part of My Week

1. Onions

Normally I despise onions. Raw onions are disturbingly crispy and taste like I’m having the inside of my mouth bleached. Cooked onions remind me of slimy translucent worms. Plus I hate chopping them because of course my eyes are THE MOST REACTIVE POSSIBLE to onion fumes. The burning! The tears! I even kept swim goggles in the kitchen junk drawer to wear when I made guacamole (I mean, you can’t skip the onion in guac, even if you don’t love it). But things have changed, y’all. I feel like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes. Because onions are the best thing about this quiche. I first tasted it at an office party, thought to myself “ye gods! this is the most beautiful and joyous thing I’ve ever masticated,” stalked my colleague until she emailed me her recipe, and then felt my heart sink when I saw that it called for 1 large onion. Eeep. But I conquered my fear, threw an onion into the food processor so I didn’t have a quiche full of large oniony chunks, and never looked back. The flavor is…well…I have no words. Just try it (recipe below).

2. Butter

So the aforementioned onions are sauteed in an entire stick of butter until everything gets brown and awesome. Yes, an entire stick. Don’t skimp. This mellows out the onions, adds a sweetish, nutty flavor, and makes the egg mixture lovely and smooth and silky.

3. Cream

YES IT HAS CREAM TOO. Who are you, Jillian Michaels? Just climb off your treadmill and make the quiche. Life is too short to not taste its buttery-creamy-oniony magicalness.

4. Mimosas

If you spend an hour in the kitchen slaving over this masterpiece of a quiche, then by gum, you deserve some booze to go with it. Splash together some OJ and cheap champagne, maybe put the football game on TV, and you’re in business.

SUE’S QUICHE 
(thank you Sue, I love you forever)
2 frozen pie crusts, deep dish (or make your own if you’re super fancy)
4-5 eggs
3 cups shredded cheese of your choice
1 large or 2 medium onions
1 tbsp minced garlic
1 stick butter
1/2 cup half-and-half
salt & pepper
meat and veggie ingredients of your choice (see below; generally you want about 1 lb. of protein and 1 cup cooked veggies)

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Put onions and garlic in food processor and pulse till finely diced. Melt butter over medium heat, add onion mix, and saute for 10-15 minutes. Cool slightly.
3. Poke holes in your crusts with a fork and partially bake for 7-9 minutes.
4. Mix eggs and half-and-half in large bowl till well-blended. Add onion/garlic/butter mixture and salt and pepper to taste. Stir in 2 cups of cheese, your meat and veggies, and pour into pre-baked crusts. Sprinkle remaining cheese on top.
5. Brush crusts with eggwash (beaten egg plus a splash of water or milk) if you like a nice golden brown look. Bake for 45-55 minutes till egg mixture no longer jiggles. Enjoy!

Quiche Flavor Possibilities
These are just a few ideas, but there are infinite possibilities using these and other ingredients. Southwest quiche! BLT quiche! Broccoli cheddar quiche! Use your imagination and go wild.

Bacon, Mushroom, & Tomato
Cook 1 package bacon on a baking sheet in 400 degree oven, then crumble or layer in bottom of crust; saute 2 cups mushrooms in butter till browned; finely dice 1 Roma tomato.

Steak & Mushroom
Cook 1 ribeye steak to your preference, slice thinly and layer in bottom of crust; saute 2 cups mushrooms in butter till browned.

Chicken & Spinach
Boil 5 chicken tenderloins and chop fine; microwave box of frozen spinach for 6 minutes, use half; Parmesan cheese goes nicely with these flavors.

7 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Me This November

Or, 7 Reasons Why We Ought To Just Bypass This Whole Democracy Rigamarole & Make Me Queen of America

1. I will improve the education system by requiring courses in personal finance, practical life skills, and apprenticeships.

Look, I’m a liberal arts proponent. I’ll save my more detailed arguments for another post, but in a totally simplistic summation, liberal arts courses educate the soul as well as the brain. Which is great, right? Yay souls! However, as you’ve no doubt spotted, we also have bodies which must be fed and clothed and sheltered. This means that upon adulthood we are obliged to enter the workplace, establish financial stability, and manage a household. Many of us, alas, struggle mightily to acquire the essential skills for this independent life (I’m recalling the house I shared with four dudes right after college—sweet mother!) and that’s  just dumb. Being a grown-up is something we all have to be good at, or our lives suck, and that suckitude seeps into other people’s lives, so WHY aren’t we teaching students this stuff before it’s too late? Thus, I will decree that high schools require classes in budgeting & banking, home maintenance & domestic tasks, and basic car repair; additionally, colleges must facilitate at least one year of practicums or internships for each student as a degree requirement, regardless of major. After a few years, America will be peopled with competent non-idiots who can cook a healthy meal, write an interoffice memo, change a flat tire, treat that stubborn stain on the living room carpet, and contribute to a 403b like CHAMPS.

This is how I remember that house full of boys. Possibly a slight exaggeration, but only slight. Photo from here.

2. I will legalize pot, tax and regulate it, stop putting petty criminals in jail, give the economy a boost, and use the resulting extra moolah to add bike lanes to all major roads and highways.

See what I did there? I solved, like, a mofobillion problems in one fell swoop. No more spending millions arresting and prosecuting people who grow, deal, or smoke pot. Fewer people in prison. More jobs as a result of a brand new industry. More tax revenue. Paper made from sustainable hemp instead of irreplaceable rain forests. More oxygen. Once our bike infrastructure was complete, there’d be more bike-riding, less dependence on foreign oil, better fitness, fewer carbon monoxide emissions. EVERYONE WINS. Except fools who ride bikes while high. They can pay giant traffic tickets to support my next initiative: spay & neuter all the stray animals!

3. I will legalize gay marriage. 

This one follows on the heels of the previous point. I don’t smoke pot, but I don’t see why the heck the government should tell me I can’t. As a legal adult I have the right to drink alcohol and use tobacco, so why don’t I have the right to use marijuana too? Why does the government get to pick and choose my freedoms here? It’s illogical and annoyingly paternalistic. In the same way, I’m not gay, but you can bet your sweet aspercreme I don’t want the government telling us who we can and cannot marry. I mean, are we seriously starting down that road? In my mind, the purpose of a government’s existence is to protect the rights, health, and safety of its citizens and provide support for infrastructure, education, and economy. Private, personal choices like choosing a life partner, deciding how many kids to have, what career to pursue, what beliefs to subscribe to, what clothes to wear—those should never be under the purview of the government. Ever. When such things do become regulated we enter freaky 1984 territory. Have you read that book? Not to spoil anything, but it ends with rats chewing off people’s faces. Just FYI.

Haven’t read this? You probably should.

4. I will put all (government-employed) teachers, police, fire and rescue workers, librarians, and politicians on the same salary—starting at $60K a year for entry level. 

Actually we’ll probably need some sort of sliding scale that takes cost of living into account. I doubt even 60 thousand cuts it in some places in California. But anyway, everyone gets what is essentially the same rate of pay with incremental raises to keep up with inflation and merit raises if warranted by good performance. First of all, people in these occupations deserve a decent wage. Secondly, politicians shouldn’t be making any more than anyone else in civil service. And maybe, just maybe, this equalization would discourage typical politician types and actually attract real people to elected positions—people from diverse backgrounds and experience with an honest interest in improving government. Seriously, is anyone else completely sick to death of old rich dudes with law & business degrees? Can we, like, get some more ladies up in here? Also, how about some architects and preschool teachers and car mechanics and programmers and chefs and air traffic controllers and nurses? Probably a few farmers would be good too, plus it never hurts to have a librarian around.

5. I will establish a national holiday dedicated to making, decorating, and eating cupcakes.

This one speaks for itself.

I personally will celebrate National Cupcakeapalooza Day by making and devouring these pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream cheese frosting. Click the picture for my recipe 🙂

6. I will pass a law giving fathers paid paternity time.

Why is it that dudes get the total shaft when it comes to having a baby? Um…I’m pretty sure they’re not getting any sleep those first weeks either. Plus it’s crucial for them to bond with their new spawn just like moms. I hate hate HATE that dads get no respect, like they’re somehow useless in the parenting process. That stereotype haunts fathers their whole lives and it starts the day their kid is born. Ok yes, moms have boobs full of milk. Right. I know. But I don’t understand how that translates into “Only Mom can care for baby, meanwhile lameass Dad over there is zero help at all so he might as well be at work.” I’m pretty sure there’s more to handling a new baby than breastfeeding. Also, marginalizing a father’s contribution to the family unit is stupid and sexist. Enough with that rubbish, America.

7. I will regulate health care even more. YES EVEN MORE!

Let me preface this by saying that I know jack about health care policy. Seriously, I just don’t even know. I’m shamefully uninformed. That being said, here’s how I’d do it. Everyone gets health care. Every single ever-loving soul in this whole big country, no matter where they fall on anyone’s “deserving————>undeserving” spectrum. Healthcare companies could remain private, there could still be competition between service providers to keep costs low, everyone could have the opportunity to use the provider of their preference, blah blah blah. Premiums would be deducted from pay checks like a federal tax. Those between jobs could still get affordable coverage by paying providers directly. Retirees or people receiving unemployment/disability would be covered by Medicare or Medicaid-like programs. Kids and non-working spouses would have policies under the working household member. And that’s that. Everyone’s covered. Everyone gets the best treatment available. And this Queen of America sleeps a little easier in her bed at night.

This is how I imagine myself as queen.